Sweet Fright
Published in Best Women's Monologues of 2019 (Smith & Kraus)
Character:
DONNA, a friendly mother
Character:
DONNA, a friendly mother
Halloween Monologue-A-Looza
Samuel French Bookshop Los Angeles, California October 28, 2017 Performed by Linda L. Rand |
Linda L. Rand performing Sweet Fright
|
Video of Sweet Fright begins at 1.00.00.
DONNA
Hello, children. Oooh, what gruesome makeup! I’ve never seen such hideous witches. You definitely deserve candy. But first, may I make a suggestion? When you say “Trick or treat,” don’t sound so cheerful. Keep in character. Snarl. Cackle. “Trick or treat!” Have a go.
There. Isn’t that fun? Scaring the living daylights out of folks. This is my son, Clive. He loves being petrified.
Don’t you, darling? Come on. Say hi to the girls.
Please excuse him. He’s shy.
Clive. Go into the kitchen. Fetch the box. Thanks, darling.
No, no. You didn’t frighten him. We’re new in the neighborhood. It takes him a while to get used to people. Anyway, this is your lucky night. You’ve earned much more than a handful of treats. We’ve got a huge cardboard box for you. Chock-full of candy and cookies. We prepared enough for dozens of children. But only a few groups have knocked on our door. The rest are being careful, I suppose. Avoiding strangers. Even the ones who did knock didn’t hang around. You know boys. Scaredy-cats. They ran off without getting so much as a marshmallow. Never mind. All the more for you. It’s nearly nine-thirty. So we’ll give you the whole lot. Your reward for being big, brave girls. You can dine like queens. For weeks. Sugary delights at every meal. I hope your parents won’t mind. I’m terrible. Can’t deny Clive anything. He adores soda pops. They’re all he drinks. Every day. Our dentist said I should “set limits.” I did try. When my darling’s teeth first started to rot away, I hid his bottles. But he threw a tantrum. Flailed about on the floor. Banging his precious head. I had to make a decision. What’s more important? His mouth or his brain? I gave him the bottles. And followed up with scientific research. Did you know? Every nutrient required for human sustenance can be successfully imbibed through a straw. There’s absolutely no need for teeth at all. Or gums. Clive’s gums are rotting away now too. Not a pretty sight. But his vital organs are in perfect health. And he’s perfectly happy. That’s what counts. Here he comes now.
Clive. That’s my strong boy. Give the girls the box. And a big smile.
Wait! Girls! Come back! You’ve left your treats.
There, darling. Wasn’t that fun?
(End.)
Hello, children. Oooh, what gruesome makeup! I’ve never seen such hideous witches. You definitely deserve candy. But first, may I make a suggestion? When you say “Trick or treat,” don’t sound so cheerful. Keep in character. Snarl. Cackle. “Trick or treat!” Have a go.
There. Isn’t that fun? Scaring the living daylights out of folks. This is my son, Clive. He loves being petrified.
Don’t you, darling? Come on. Say hi to the girls.
Please excuse him. He’s shy.
Clive. Go into the kitchen. Fetch the box. Thanks, darling.
No, no. You didn’t frighten him. We’re new in the neighborhood. It takes him a while to get used to people. Anyway, this is your lucky night. You’ve earned much more than a handful of treats. We’ve got a huge cardboard box for you. Chock-full of candy and cookies. We prepared enough for dozens of children. But only a few groups have knocked on our door. The rest are being careful, I suppose. Avoiding strangers. Even the ones who did knock didn’t hang around. You know boys. Scaredy-cats. They ran off without getting so much as a marshmallow. Never mind. All the more for you. It’s nearly nine-thirty. So we’ll give you the whole lot. Your reward for being big, brave girls. You can dine like queens. For weeks. Sugary delights at every meal. I hope your parents won’t mind. I’m terrible. Can’t deny Clive anything. He adores soda pops. They’re all he drinks. Every day. Our dentist said I should “set limits.” I did try. When my darling’s teeth first started to rot away, I hid his bottles. But he threw a tantrum. Flailed about on the floor. Banging his precious head. I had to make a decision. What’s more important? His mouth or his brain? I gave him the bottles. And followed up with scientific research. Did you know? Every nutrient required for human sustenance can be successfully imbibed through a straw. There’s absolutely no need for teeth at all. Or gums. Clive’s gums are rotting away now too. Not a pretty sight. But his vital organs are in perfect health. And he’s perfectly happy. That’s what counts. Here he comes now.
Clive. That’s my strong boy. Give the girls the box. And a big smile.
Wait! Girls! Come back! You’ve left your treats.
There, darling. Wasn’t that fun?
(End.)